2019 IS ALMOST HERE

Jessica fixed a good Christmas Dinner.  She has worked on the dinner and decorating for weeks.  Robbin, Kyle, Marjie, Jackie, Jessica, Kati, and me were here for dinner.  Tim and Debbie came by later and visited.

Jess took down decorations today. 

I guess I am ready to see what the new year brings. At this moment I still do not know how my insurance will pay in the chemo pills clinical trial. I am half way through and it is working so I hope I get to continue.  My dr. will do something.  He has all kinds of ideas, so I just need to trust him.

Here is to a good New Year.

TME IS FLYING BY

Missed posting in Oct. had chemo Nov 2 and got Pet Scan results.  All lymph tumors are gone the 2 in colon had shrunk. One shrunk by half one by 2/3. Doctor and whole clinic was elated.  Had chemo again Nov 30 .  He plans on 6 more. Next is Dec. 21.  My ins changes in Jan so am concerned if it will pay for the expensive chemo pills I take for 3 weeks each month or he will have to find funding for the final 5.

O feel so blessed and I have people all over the country praying for me. Even at 80 maybe God will give me a few more years.

They are using my case study. I could find no purpose in life without Jim.   Then I got cancer so I decided God may be through with me on this earth.  But now maybe my case will help others. And he may have more plans for me.
    
We went to Robbins for Thanksgiving. Jess, Jackie, me , Robbin, Kyle, Parker and his girlfriend.

Jess took me to the Charity Bingo even at Hamburger Mary's. Was a cancer fund raiser for the disease Barb's daughter had.

Christmas Jessica is cooking dinner here at home.  Do not know how many can come yet.  Some have other family to go see.

Club Christmas dinner is next Tuesday.  I hope I feel like going.  I have gone to the past 2 meetings. Had not felt like going since I got sick.

I know I will have a rough winter. Have to worry about making treatments, and winter depresses me anyhow, but when you are greatful to be alive, you can handle a little cold and depression.

Jessica  did good on tree.

OCTOBER ALMOST OVER

Time is going by, winter is coming.  Got new furnace and A/C in last week.

Had lab and shot today.  Have next chemo Nov 2, 2018.  Got Pet Scan Friday.  Will probably not get scan results until Nov 2 when see doctor.  Am  nervous, doctors say if other places have shrunk away, the 2 tumors in colon should be shrinking too.  Things have gone so bad the past 2 years that I am scared of everything now.  I pray that they are shrinking.  I feel pretty good except my RA is acting up in my hands.  Probably due to change in weather.

Jessica is back from CA to stay now.  Is going to look for house to buy and begin a pre school.  She has been introducing us to her new Vegan diet.  I could probably be a vegetarian, but could not go vegan.

I feel so good having so many people praying for me.  

Winter marches on....quickly I hope....not my favorite season.

HAVE A RA BATTLE GOING ON

Hands , knees and ankles began hurting 19th.  Had not had a flare up since went off methatrexate and on chemo.  He gave me extra prednisone and I am getting better now.  I will also have a back up of a dose pack for the next flare up.

Dorothy passed away Saturday. Funeral is Wednesday 26th.  Hope to be feeling good.  She had a brain tumor.  Had surgery, but it began go grow again so fast.  We all hoped she would get some time to feel good.  The cousins are all getting in some sort of health issues.  But we are getting older.  She was one of the youngest of us.

My chemo is doing good.  Doctor thinks I am progressing good.

SEPTEMBER IS ALREADY HALF OVER

I would feel good if I was not so clumsy. Last Sat I tripped up patio steps and have been sore and stiff again for the past week.  Is beginning to east up.  Makes me so mad that I have felt good through the chemo and keep myself hurting from stumbling around.  

Marjie had her foot surgery Thurs. She plans on being off only a week although the dr. wanted 2 weeks. She will be on crutches or scooter for 7 to 9 weeks. No weight on it. No driving.  Her work is paying for an Uber when she cannot bum rides from someone.

Jackie has been sick for 2 weeks or so. She is feeling better, but finally went to dr today.

Here is to my week off chemo pills. Do not have to plan that late night snack before my 10 pm pills. And so not have to set my alarm.

Will try to stay on my feet this week.

HOPE

Friday I will have taken my 2 weeks of chemo pills.  Get a week off this week. Go Friday, Aug 31 for next IV chemo, Then start 2 weeks on and 1 week off of pills again.  The original tumor that showed up and was biopsied began to shrink a week or so after first chemo and is almost flat and not as red.  The very angry one that  popped out on my shoulder by the time I found out I did not have breast cancer had been very painful and you could not touch it. After the second IV chemo and I began the chemo pills it began to not look so angry red and is shrinking.  The ones that  came under the skin from pea size to dime size are shrinking too dime size are pea size, pea size are almost gone. This gives me hope that they will go away. I am not sure what will happen to the 2 that are in my colon.  One of the doctors told me he had an 86 year old man that used these pills and his colon cancer disappeared.  I can only hope and pray mine will too.

I banged my back against the stool and bruised some ribs a couple weeks ago and it has been hurting. It has about quit hurting..  Since the tumors do not hurt and back would be ok i would feel pretty good.

Am trying to eat and drink right. Am getting exercise trying to keep house clean, but as I get stronger I need to do hand weights and walk more.

I pray that I will get better and be able to do some stuff with my kids and have a bit of quality life.  At my age I know I cannot expect a long time.  Will take what I can get.

If things go bad after awhile and I do not feel good, I will be ready to go climb in Jim's arms again, and see the ones who have gone on before.

This chemo treatment is a journey that I will follow while it works.  I like the dr., he is aggressive and not afraid to try different.  Please guide him God, and help me to have faith that what will be will be.

Was Jim surprised to see you Charlie.?  I miss you.

PRAYING CHEMO WORKS

Got approved for the pills.  My next chemo treatment is Aug 10th.  After the session at hospital, I will not have to bring fanny pack home.  Will to on 2 pills a day. Two weeks on two off.

Had stitches out of port Wednesday, and lab.  My blood was only down .01 point, so did not need any meds before my next session.  They will take it again before the session to make sure it stayed up.  

Do not know how long these treatments will be.  He will do it until it begins to work or he sees it is not going to shrink tumors.  I have not got any additional bumps in the past week, and they are not bigger.  Cannot tell if they will shrink with only 1 treatment.

I did not get sick and did not have any of the side effects they said I might.  Of course this was a low dose. I supposed they may be stronger as time goes on if my lab counts stay up.

I at least have some hope, and have a lot of people who are praying for me.

Today is Jim's birthday, first one with him not with me.  They did get his Memorial Bench starting to set.  It looks real good.

JOURNEY HAS BEGUN

Monday I had my chemo port put in.  Was no fun, but not as bad as I expected.

Tuesday, July 25, 2018...Had first chemo session.  Did not hurt, but had to  bring a fanny pack home with me that feeds more chemo in and is taken off Friday.  Am not to fond of 2 more night sleeping on my back.  But I will make it.  See Dr. Singh Friday when fanny pack is removed.  Next treatment is in 2 weeks.  Glad to skip a week.

Dr. Singh says he treats more aggressively than some so maybe I will have a chance at more time.  We wasted some time getting this diagnosed and started.  Says he needs to get something started or I will not be here in 2 months.  He has a few plans for treatment.  If tumors do not begin to shrink in  2 or 3 sessions he will go to next step.  He has to watch me close and start with small dose due to my LGL.  Watches Labs real close.

I will thank God for any more time that he can give me with my kids before I go to be again with Jim.

Jackie and I also went out today and chose a spot for Jim's Memorial Bench.  So glad to finally get that done after trying for almost a year.

GOT HOPE THAT I WILL HAVE A BIT MORE QUALITY TIME

I went to the dr. today fully expecting more bad news which is all I have had.

Dr. Stephenson does say I cannot have regular Chemo due to low neutrophils.  But there are several options to try.  One chemo I can try is small doses in pills.  He took blood tests to send to other options to see which ones I might be a candidate for.

He gave me pain pills for my places that hurt.  And promised that no matter how this comes out they will keep me out of pain.

He is retiring in September.  He is going to have me see his partner in Belton so he will be involved in treatment and can treat me.  There will be a replacement at Harrisonville, but she will be new to the facility and the patients and will take awhile to get on board with all the patients there.

I have hope now that I will have a bit more  quality time with my kids.

Oh how I wish you were here to help me through this.

FOUND YESTERDAY MY FINAL RESULTS

Not near blockage yet  Dr does not want to remove tumor.  Could make me worse.  Suggests Chemo and just live on and it may slow progress of all the cancer in my body.

Have appointment with Oncologist Tues. Do not know if he can do chemo due to my low neutrophils.  Will find out.

So now I will just live one day at a time as long as it is quality.  I do not do pain so we will see how long I last.

Give me peace God and help me move on.

MY BODY IS CRAZY

When I have had LGL, the dr. does not understand how my body has reacted.

Well guess what, I do not have breast cancer.  I have colon cancer.  Had a PET Scan and lit up like a Christmas tree.  So I actually have lots of cancer throughout my body.  But I have 2 masses in colon.

Set to have colonoscopy July 5th.  He wants to make sure I am not ready to have a blockage.

Most likely will have surgery if near blockage or not and have the masses removed.  

I have no good choices. I can have chemo and see if it will get some of the stuff that lit up over my whole body, then have surgery.  Chemo is brutal and I am 80. I have always said that if I have a bad disease, I want my last part of life to be quality.

I have no symptoms feeling sick anywhere, except my normal RA tiredness.  Like My LGL, the dr. has not seen a case like mine.  I should not be feeling good.

I have been surprisingly calm since I finally got a diagnosis most of the time.

All of us are going to die, and we do not know when. And neither do I.  I may have a few months or a few years.  But I know I want them to be as good as they can be.

God is supposed to know best for us.  I have to accept this. Now all I can pray for is that he keeps me from being in a panic and not wasting what time I have left.

BREAST CANCER CAN CATCH YOU AT ANY AGE.

I should have known the way my life has been going the past year or so that I could not just have a benign lump in my breast.  The Big C after the biopsy.

Now I am in the process of getting surgery set up.  Had consult with regular surgeon.  I liked him.  But girls think I should see a breast surgeon.  And I think it is a good idea.  I was all set to have a lumpectomy as this tumor is high on chest wall and none showed up in mamogram.  So I thought I was lucky. Bahahahaha....me lucky.  If I have that I need radiation and with RA and as tired as it makes me I do not think I can drive to the city every day f0r 4 to 6 weeks.  The regular surgeon is willing to take the whole breast, and I may not need radiation.  

But I may as well get the opinion of someone who does lots of breasts.

I have no family breast cancer history and this just popped up within a week. I am so confused.  So now I wonder if in a year or so it could happen with the other one.

I have had such a struggle this year getting along without Jim.  I have not got back to full strength from being down with RA or depression.  When this happened I was devastated. I need him here to take care of me.  He always took care of me. 

Now some days I do not care if I live and others I would like another maybe 5 years of decent health to get my life together.

I have not even got his memorial bench yet.  I have it ordered, but I wanted to get it and see that it is where and what he wanted.

Please God give me some good health and a little more time.

I miss you so much.  And I need you.

IS IT REALLY GOING TO BE SUMMER?

Welcome May.  And thanks for the sunshine and warm weather.  I have been feeling better, and hope it stays that way.

Time is going by, and it is still hard for me to believe Jim is really gone.  I keep hearing things and reading things, and think "I have to remember to tell Jim this".

I still do not feel like I have a life to fill the big empty spot.  Hope to find and interest or something to do that makes my life worthwhile.  

Have to have my annual Mamogram in a couple weeks.  I have found a small swollen gland on my chest wall above the breast.  I have had these over my lifetime down in my breast and they went away. Hoping it is nothing, but it is still making me anxious. I keep thinking I have enough stuff wrong with me, and am struggling to live my life, I do not know if I can handle another bad thing right now.  Am having many prayers.

Hopefully will have a good summer.

Always thinking of you.  You are the love of my life. 

NEW GREAT GRANDSON

April 8 2018 James Allen Shreve was born.  Our 19th Great Grandchild.  Is a happy day.  But also sad as he will be the first one that Jim will not get to hold.  He loved babies.

FREEZING IN APRIL

April is finally here, but no sign of Spring though.  Is going to be freezing over the weekend.

Went to Downstream with Tim, Debbie, and Travis on the bus Wednesday.  Had a good time, but got real tired.  Need to toughen up some I guess.

Called about the bench and tree again on the Trail of Memories.  They are getting a new Board that Meets April 12th.  After that maybe I can get something going.

Am going to plant a tree in the front yard that will grow hopefully before I lose the only one left.  Think I am getting one of those blooming pear trees.  Need to check out trees and see what will work.

I am just kind of blah this month.  Maybe when Spring really gets here and I want to get outside I will be better.  I still have no plan for my life, just live til I die I guess.

Tomorrow they are coming to give me an estimate for a new furnace and a/c.  I better set my clock because I do not know what time til they call.

These 2 little guys are about all that keep me going.  I would do even less if they did not need care.

ALMOST APRIL

Another week and March 2018 will be gone forever.  Has been a long and sad winter for me. Can only hope April will be the beginning of better times.

Robbin came down today and we went to the Carpenter's Cup and ate at the Flaming Lantern.  Was good to visit with her. Have not seen her in awhile.

Friday I went out to the Trail of Memories and checked out where maybe I can put a tree and a stone bench in memory of Jim.  The place that he wanted is still blank so hopefully people do not reserve spaces while alive. Am going to call Monday and see if I can get something started. 

First Wed. in April going on bus to Downstream with Tim and Debbie. Later in April Marjie and Robbin are coming down and along with Tim and Jackie we are going out to eat for my 80th Birthday. (EEK).

Began some work with hand weights today.  Need to work on strengthening my arms. Going to start walking this week to.  Need to keep my body moving and get more strength.  I have let myself go this winter and at my age am going to pay for it if I do not work on myself. Give me the strength and determination God.

Well am trying to be more positive and this may be as much so as I will ever be the rest of the year.

STILL COLD AND LIFE SUCKS

Yesterday and today I have got some things I wanted to do done and not napped though I did sleep late due to time change.  The 3 previous days I mostly slept off and on all day.  Do not have to think if you are sleeping. Feel pretty good tonight.

Hoping tomorrow to feel some life and energy and do just anything as long as I am moving.  It is still cold and I hate that.  I am still yearning for Spring and warm weather and hope that makes me happier most of the time.

Tim and Debbie want to go to Downstream in April. I look forward to that.  For my birthday Robbin and Marjie are coming down, and we are going with Tim and Debbie and any of the grandkids that want to go out to dinner.

Jesse is progressing on redoing his house.  Think they are painting this coming weekend. He has looked at flooring but not made any decisions yet.

I just want to feel good and be happy in the time I have left on this earth.  And do something, if there is anything out there I can do...that is not too scheduled.

Prayers that all my kids and grandkids stay safe and healthy.

MARCH 1, 2018

A new month.  I have started trying to figure out how to get debts paid off, and have some money in savings for emergencies. Taking it slow, and trying to figure the best plan.

I really have no motivation to do anything except what is necessary.  I need to exercise because I need to build my strength up.  I need to find some interests to keep my mind busy.  I actually would just like to sleep and forget everything. And I do a lot, but know that needs to end. Hoping warmth and sunshine will bring me out of some of this.

FEB ENDING ON A HIGH NOTE

Tomorrow Feb 26, I sign the closing papers on the rental house.  This is going to take a lot of pressure off of me having the final paper work over. Now I can pay my bills off, and hopefully live fairly comfortably on my income.

I  have always taken care of paying the bills and taking care of the finances.  But had a partner and his income.  It has been scary wondering if I am going to make it.  Also worrying about having money to replace anything that goes wrong with my house and also the rental.  Now I will have some back up money for emergencies and the bills we piled up over the years paid.

I do not have many days that are good days, most are sad and I just want to sleep.  Hope as pressure eases, it will get better.  Know missing him will never get better.  I will always feel alone.

But I will always take any bright spot in the storm.

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

JANUARY HALF OVER

Jessie came up Friday and Saturday. Brought appraisal to show me. Appraised at $120,000. Pretty high due to the fact that the pictures showed the house of a hoarder.  Appraiser did tell me all flooring would have to be replaced.  Also it will need to be painted inside, and the main bathroom will need to have new wallboard and floor boards.  The reason I priced it low was I knew I would have to spend about 25,000 dollars to get it livable, and hire someone to do the work, and hope they came. The buyer will do most of his own labor.  Anyhow I am glad it appraised ok, I was worried it would be so bad it would not come out to what I priced.

Now I just have to hope she really gets moved out by end of month. Daughter got moved out,  but have not seen much action going on over there.

We went out and ate Friday night, then went down by Tim's awhile and visited.

I had a real bad week last week, but this past week I have done well, and hope for this to be a good week.

Am trying to live positive, though I have spells of sadness and dispair.  Spring perhaps will make it a bit easier for me to figure out a life by myself.

My babies that make life a little better.

2018

Beginning the 2nd week of a new year.  Closing on house has moved to Feb 23 due to some banking rules for the buyer.  The appraiser came Saturday and that went smooth.  Was worried that renter might bail and not be there to let her in.

Notice was given to vacate by January 30th.  She was not happy, and evidently griped to the Appraiser.  But she has had years to buy if she wanted to or was able to.  Just kept stringing me along. Told me awhile back she wanted to buy in the Spring.  I made up my mind that first offer I had I was taking.  And I did.  Have heard she has found a place, so maybe she will be out on 30th.

Wondering if she is going to pay the January rent without me asking her.  She has 2 days left.

Selling the house has made this month go by better, just knowing I am about to not have that house to worry about keeping up.

My life still feels in limbo and maybe always will, but having a purpose now and then gets me by.