Sunday, December 31, 2017


About to begin a new year.  We had a good Christmas, got through it better than I thought.  Having all the kids here, and grandkids and great grandkids helped make a happy day.

I realized I actually felt sort of numb instead of raw.  Do not know what the deal with that was.  But grief seems to be a strange journey.  You just keep going through it, and some days are harder than others.

Got my rental house sold. Close in January.  That will be one less worry I have.  I still worry about my budgeting and getting bills paid, but so far things have went ok.  Will feel better getting bills paid and having some back up money for any home repairs that come up.

I cannot say I am looking forward to the New Year, but it is coming so what can I say.  I hope I can find my "place".  Just cannot imagine what my future will be like.

Life will go on..............

Wednesday, December 6, 2017


Thanksgiving was "another first".  And I know they are hard.  We are going to get together for dinner Christmas.  It will be hard, but with all the kids around it helps.

I have had some problems with my RA.  But sometimes it is hard to tell if it is that disease or just tension that cause aching pain.  Will see dr. next Monday and can get another Cortisone shot.  Have done them every 3 months and they are lasting longer now.  

Last week I just felt cracked around the edges with nerves and sadness.  I have done better this week.  Traded cars end of Oct.  Now I can "step down" to get out and it sure helps my joints.  It was 8 hours over 2 days of hell.  I have never traded cars before, Jim always did that, and loved the process.  I know I got screwed in some way, but not as bad as they thought they were going to get me when they knew I was coming in green.  I did actually learn something from Jim over the years.  I will always think I should have started to walk away one more time.  Still would have got screwed in some way, but got one more bit of a better deal.  But I feel like I did okay, I like the crossover better that a car (Ford Escape).

Thurs they come to do my plumbing job putting in cleanouts.  Will be costly, but is needed.  I was about to check out cause last week turned my furnace on one day and it would not come on.  Thought furnace was going out too.  I am going to be broke almost by time I pay property taxes.  But was a small problem and cost under 100.  Hope it will plug along and I can save up some money and get a new furnace before next winter.  Lots of prayers going up on that, it is old.

I worry about living with just my income.  But it will be a challenge, but hopefully will work out.  Need to try to sell the rental house in the Spring and get it out of the way.

I still cannot see any kind of life I am going to have now.  I only know how to be a couple.

I guess I will survive until my time here is done.

Thursday, November 2, 2017


Today, November 2, would have been our 60th Anniversary.  I met and married Jim when I was 19.  I have been half of a couple all this time.  I am having a hard time seeing my future not being a couple with him.  I have a great family and friends support group so I know I will come through this.  

I have dreaded this day since he left us. I really had melt downs the two days before.  Today, I cleaned the floors good and kept busy, still having melt downs.  I think I try to not cry much, and would feel better if I just let go more often. 

This is just the worst thing that has ever happened in my life and I do not think I will ever be really happy again.

Thursday, October 12, 2017


I am just going through the motions of life.  We have been cleaning, packing things up and moving things around.  I do what I feel like, and try to do normal stuff.  Cannot control the surprise meltdowns that come at random time.

I just cannot see a life for me without him here with me.

It is going to be especially hard getting through what would have been our 60th Anniversary coming up.  I am so dreading that day.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017


I have no words.  Just a broken heart.  Over 59 years, and now it is over.

Monday, August 28, 2017


When Jim went to hospital July 3, though he was very sick I never dreamed it was the beginning of the end. They would get on organ working, then another would go bad.  He got lots of fluid on his legs, lungs and heart

I had high hopes of him getting into rehab getting strength back and being able to wheel and deal from his garage.

He was there through July and into August, and just kept getting worse. 

When we had to decide to take him to KC Hospice, I knew the battle was lost.Though he was only there a short time, it was the first time I had seen him peaceful and comfortable in over a month.  I thought we had some more days with him, but he slipped away at 1:05 on Aug 17th.

This was an especially hard day because it it my sons birthday.  I do think God could have planned that better.

On Aug 26,2016, a large amount of family and friends said goodbye.  It was comforting to have so much support.

I kind of feel like I am in Limbo. I did not want him to go, but did not want him in anymore pain.

I am going to be lost for a long

 long time.

Monday, July 24, 2017


Jim was taken to BCMH July 3 by ambulance late night.  Tests showed he had a very high white count.  They had to find out where infection was.  Found in gallbladder.  Had to have drain tube put in.  Then they discovered he had fluid on lungs.  Then his heart rate went way high, and was irregular.  And his legs swelled hugh.

Thurs, July 20th drain had come out and needed replaced.  Was transported to St Joseph that afternoon. They replaced the tube Friday, he has fluid on lungs, and legs still swollen, but coming down some. They have been walking him some.  If they find out tomorrow, 25th, his lungs look good, he will be transported back to Butler for skilled nursing and rehab for a couple weeks.

He is very discouraged as they tell him every day, he will be there at least one more day.

Hope he can get back to Butler and begin rehab tomorrow.

Thursday, June 29, 2017


I keep saying I am going to have more patience with Jim.  It works for awhile.  I thought I had been doing pretty good for awhile and tonight I blew it.

I have quit saying anything about him being sick or having a disease or his memory.  He does not want to hear that and I understand.

He is falling more and more.  Hope he does not break a bone or hit his head.  

I guess I will just have to keep starting over and over with my patience.

Sunday, June 11, 2017


Water Aerobics began last Monday.  I was only able to go on Thursday.  This week I can go Monday Tuesday, and Friday. Have to work around Dr. appts.  Will get 4 days next 2 weeks and 5 last week of June.  We go through mid August.  I really feel good if I can go at least 3 days a week.

Went to RA dr. last week. She gave me a Cortizone shot in hip and it has taken away the faint aches I was having.  I have not had a flare up of a joint in awhile.  Hoping I can get my neutrophils up.  Have Lab Wednesday.

Jim is about the same. Keeps busy in back garage or visiting at Troys.  Memory is getting worse, and his legs are getting weaker.  He had a 2 hr Memory Test last month.  We go see the Dr. that ordered it July 12 and he will give us the results.  I do not see them being good.  He has not got lost, and still remembers who people are, so that is good.  Tried to BBQ hamburgers today, and messed them up and I took over.  There are things he used to do good that he gets confused now and messes them up.

I am trying to get out some, and not get agravated at him.  I know it is the disease, but sometimes he stresses me out.

Going to try to have a halfway good summer.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017


Guess I am going through a "feeling sorry for myself".  Jim's memory is getting worse, his judgement worse, and he is very irritable.  He thinks we are all against him and there is nothing wrong with him.

He has a plan to move to WV this summer into an apt his brother owns (upstairs), and thinks his brother is going to put in a gun store downstairs he can run.  He has been focused on this for a few weeks now.

He is not capable of paying bills and taking care of finances. He just spends money on junk.  He is not supposed to drive or have firearms around.  And he falls all the time.

I do not know if I feel sick because of my RA and LGL or am just depressed.

It is really hard to think that he is not even thinking of me or our children other than wanting to get away from us.

I know it is the disease, but I guess it is normal to feel like it is personal sometimes.

Sometimes I have to just cry.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017


In January Jim had to go to the hospital as he was confused and having hallucinations. He was there a few days. Neurologist diagnosed him with Lewy Body Dementia. A combination of Parkinsons Disease and Alzheimers.  Progressing the most is his short term memory loss.

This has been devastating and I am having a problem dealing with it. So helpless.

Jackie is staying here and Robbin comes down everyweekend.

I am just existing day to day. Hoping I can stay on my feet with my RA and LGL.