Thursday, October 12, 2017

IN LIMBO

I am just going through the motions of life.  We have been cleaning, packing things up and moving things around.  I do what I feel like, and try to do normal stuff.  Cannot control the surprise meltdowns that come at random time.

I just cannot see a life for me without him here with me.

It is going to be especially hard getting through what would have been our 60th Anniversary coming up.  I am so dreading that day.



Tuesday, September 5, 2017

LOST

I have no words.  Just a broken heart.  Over 59 years, and now it is over.

Monday, August 28, 2017

THE END CAME AND I WAS NOT READY

When Jim went to hospital July 3, though he was very sick I never dreamed it was the beginning of the end. They would get on organ working, then another would go bad.  He got lots of fluid on his legs, lungs and heart

I had high hopes of him getting into rehab getting strength back and being able to wheel and deal from his garage.

He was there through July and into August, and just kept getting worse. 

When we had to decide to take him to KC Hospice, I knew the battle was lost.Though he was only there a short time, it was the first time I had seen him peaceful and comfortable in over a month.  I thought we had some more days with him, but he slipped away at 1:05 on Aug 17th.

This was an especially hard day because it it my sons birthday.  I do think God could have planned that better.

On Aug 26,2016, a large amount of family and friends said goodbye.  It was comforting to have so much support.

I kind of feel like I am in Limbo. I did not want him to go, but did not want him in anymore pain.

I am going to be lost for a long


 long time.


Monday, July 24, 2017

MY SUMMER OF DISCONTENT

Jim was taken to BCMH July 3 by ambulance late night.  Tests showed he had a very high white count.  They had to find out where infection was.  Found in gallbladder.  Had to have drain tube put in.  Then they discovered he had fluid on lungs.  Then his heart rate went way high, and was irregular.  And his legs swelled hugh.

Thurs, July 20th drain had come out and needed replaced.  Was transported to St Joseph that afternoon. They replaced the tube Friday, he has fluid on lungs, and legs still swollen, but coming down some. They have been walking him some.  If they find out tomorrow, 25th, his lungs look good, he will be transported back to Butler for skilled nursing and rehab for a couple weeks.

He is very discouraged as they tell him every day, he will be there at least one more day.

Hope he can get back to Butler and begin rehab tomorrow.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

GOOD INTENTIONS LEFT BEHIND.

I keep saying I am going to have more patience with Jim.  It works for awhile.  I thought I had been doing pretty good for awhile and tonight I blew it.

I have quit saying anything about him being sick or having a disease or his memory.  He does not want to hear that and I understand.

He is falling more and more.  Hope he does not break a bone or hit his head.  

I guess I will just have to keep starting over and over with my patience.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

SUMMER IS HERE

Water Aerobics began last Monday.  I was only able to go on Thursday.  This week I can go Monday Tuesday, and Friday. Have to work around Dr. appts.  Will get 4 days next 2 weeks and 5 last week of June.  We go through mid August.  I really feel good if I can go at least 3 days a week.

Went to RA dr. last week. She gave me a Cortizone shot in hip and it has taken away the faint aches I was having.  I have not had a flare up of a joint in awhile.  Hoping I can get my neutrophils up.  Have Lab Wednesday.

Jim is about the same. Keeps busy in back garage or visiting at Troys.  Memory is getting worse, and his legs are getting weaker.  He had a 2 hr Memory Test last month.  We go see the Dr. that ordered it July 12 and he will give us the results.  I do not see them being good.  He has not got lost, and still remembers who people are, so that is good.  Tried to BBQ hamburgers today, and messed them up and I took over.  There are things he used to do good that he gets confused now and messes them up.

I am trying to get out some, and not get agravated at him.  I know it is the disease, but sometimes he stresses me out.

Going to try to have a halfway good summer.


Wednesday, May 10, 2017

BAD TO WORSE

Guess I am going through a "feeling sorry for myself".  Jim's memory is getting worse, his judgement worse, and he is very irritable.  He thinks we are all against him and there is nothing wrong with him.

He has a plan to move to WV this summer into an apt his brother owns (upstairs), and thinks his brother is going to put in a gun store downstairs he can run.  He has been focused on this for a few weeks now.

He is not capable of paying bills and taking care of finances. He just spends money on junk.  He is not supposed to drive or have firearms around.  And he falls all the time.

I do not know if I feel sick because of my RA and LGL or am just depressed.

It is really hard to think that he is not even thinking of me or our children other than wanting to get away from us.

I know it is the disease, but I guess it is normal to feel like it is personal sometimes.

Sometimes I have to just cry.