Monday, January 8, 2018

2018

Beginning the 2nd week of a new year.  Closing on house has moved to Feb 23 due to some banking rules for the buyer.  The appraiser came Saturday and that went smooth.  Was worried that renter might bail and not be there to let her in.

Notice was given to vacate by January 30th.  She was not happy, and evidently griped to the Appraiser.  But she has had years to buy if she wanted to or was able to.  Just kept stringing me along. Told me awhile back she wanted to buy in the Spring.  I made up my mind that first offer I had I was taking.  And I did.  Have heard she has found a place, so maybe she will be out on 30th.

Wondering if she is going to pay the January rent without me asking her.  She has 2 days left.

Selling the house has made this month go by better, just knowing I am about to not have that house to worry about keeping up.

My life still feels in limbo and maybe always will, but having a purpose now and then gets me by.


Sunday, December 31, 2017

THE END OF A BAD YEAR

About to begin a new year.  We had a good Christmas, got through it better than I thought.  Having all the kids here, and grandkids and great grandkids helped make a happy day.

I realized I actually felt sort of numb instead of raw.  Do not know what the deal with that was.  But grief seems to be a strange journey.  You just keep going through it, and some days are harder than others.

Got my rental house sold. Close in January.  That will be one less worry I have.  I still worry about my budgeting and getting bills paid, but so far things have went ok.  Will feel better getting bills paid and having some back up money for any home repairs that come up.

I cannot say I am looking forward to the New Year, but it is coming so what can I say.  I hope I can find my "place".  Just cannot imagine what my future will be like.

Life will go on..............


Wednesday, December 6, 2017

DECEMBER, THE END OF A BAD YEAR

Thanksgiving was "another first".  And I know they are hard.  We are going to get together for dinner Christmas.  It will be hard, but with all the kids around it helps.

I have had some problems with my RA.  But sometimes it is hard to tell if it is that disease or just tension that cause aching pain.  Will see dr. next Monday and can get another Cortisone shot.  Have done them every 3 months and they are lasting longer now.  

Last week I just felt cracked around the edges with nerves and sadness.  I have done better this week.  Traded cars end of Oct.  Now I can "step down" to get out and it sure helps my joints.  It was 8 hours over 2 days of hell.  I have never traded cars before, Jim always did that, and loved the process.  I know I got screwed in some way, but not as bad as they thought they were going to get me when they knew I was coming in green.  I did actually learn something from Jim over the years.  I will always think I should have started to walk away one more time.  Still would have got screwed in some way, but got one more bit of a better deal.  But I feel like I did okay, I like the crossover better that a car (Ford Escape).

Thurs they come to do my plumbing job putting in cleanouts.  Will be costly, but is needed.  I was about to check out cause last week turned my furnace on one day and it would not come on.  Thought furnace was going out too.  I am going to be broke almost by time I pay property taxes.  But was a small problem and cost under 100.  Hope it will plug along and I can save up some money and get a new furnace before next winter.  Lots of prayers going up on that, it is old.

I worry about living with just my income.  But it will be a challenge, but hopefully will work out.  Need to try to sell the rental house in the Spring and get it out of the way.

I still cannot see any kind of life I am going to have now.  I only know how to be a couple.

I guess I will survive until my time here is done.


Thursday, November 2, 2017

A DAY I HAVE DREADED

Today, November 2, would have been our 60th Anniversary.  I met and married Jim when I was 19.  I have been half of a couple all this time.  I am having a hard time seeing my future not being a couple with him.  I have a great family and friends support group so I know I will come through this.  

I have dreaded this day since he left us. I really had melt downs the two days before.  Today, I cleaned the floors good and kept busy, still having melt downs.  I think I try to not cry much, and would feel better if I just let go more often. 

This is just the worst thing that has ever happened in my life and I do not think I will ever be really happy again.





Thursday, October 12, 2017

IN LIMBO

I am just going through the motions of life.  We have been cleaning, packing things up and moving things around.  I do what I feel like, and try to do normal stuff.  Cannot control the surprise meltdowns that come at random time.

I just cannot see a life for me without him here with me.

It is going to be especially hard getting through what would have been our 60th Anniversary coming up.  I am so dreading that day.



Tuesday, September 5, 2017

LOST

I have no words.  Just a broken heart.  Over 59 years, and now it is over.