When I have had LGL, the dr. does not understand how my body has reacted.
Well guess what, I do not have breast cancer. I have colon cancer. Had a PET Scan and lit up like a Christmas tree. So I actually have lots of cancer throughout my body. But I have 2 masses in colon.
Set to have colonoscopy July 5th. He wants to make sure I am not ready to have a blockage.
Most likely will have surgery if near blockage or not and have the masses removed.
I have no good choices. I can have chemo and see if it will get some of the stuff that lit up over my whole body, then have surgery. Chemo is brutal and I am 80. I have always said that if I have a bad disease, I want my last part of life to be quality.
I have no symptoms feeling sick anywhere, except my normal RA tiredness. Like My LGL, the dr. has not seen a case like mine. I should not be feeling good.
I have been surprisingly calm since I finally got a diagnosis most of the time.
All of us are going to die, and we do not know when. And neither do I. I may have a few months or a few years. But I know I want them to be as good as they can be.
God is supposed to know best for us. I have to accept this. Now all I can pray for is that he keeps me from being in a panic and not wasting what time I have left.
I should have known the way my life has been going the past year or so that I could not just have a benign lump in my breast. The Big C after the biopsy.
Now I am in the process of getting surgery set up. Had consult with regular surgeon. I liked him. But girls think I should see a breast surgeon. And I think it is a good idea. I was all set to have a lumpectomy as this tumor is high on chest wall and none showed up in mamogram. So I thought I was lucky. Bahahahaha....me lucky. If I have that I need radiation and with RA and as tired as it makes me I do not think I can drive to the city every day f0r 4 to 6 weeks. The regular surgeon is willing to take the whole breast, and I may not need radiation.
But I may as well get the opinion of someone who does lots of breasts.
I have no family breast cancer history and this just popped up within a week. I am so confused. So now I wonder if in a year or so it could happen with the other one.
I have had such a struggle this year getting along without Jim. I have not got back to full strength from being down with RA or depression. When this happened I was devastated. I need him here to take care of me. He always took care of me.
Now some days I do not care if I live and others I would like another maybe 5 years of decent health to get my life together.
I have not even got his memorial bench yet. I have it ordered, but I wanted to get it and see that it is where and what he wanted.
Please God give me some good health and a little more time.
I miss you so much. And I need you.
Welcome May. And thanks for the sunshine and warm weather. I have been feeling better, and hope it stays that way.
Time is going by, and it is still hard for me to believe Jim is really gone. I keep hearing things and reading things, and think "I have to remember to tell Jim this".
I still do not feel like I have a life to fill the big empty spot. Hope to find and interest or something to do that makes my life worthwhile.
Have to have my annual Mamogram in a couple weeks. I have found a small swollen gland on my chest wall above the breast. I have had these over my lifetime down in my breast and they went away. Hoping it is nothing, but it is still making me anxious. I keep thinking I have enough stuff wrong with me, and am struggling to live my life, I do not know if I can handle another bad thing right now. Am having many prayers.
Hopefully will have a good summer.
Always thinking of you. You are the love of my life.
April 8 2018 James Allen Shreve was born. Our 19th Great Grandchild. Is a happy day. But also sad as he will be the first one that Jim will not get to hold. He loved babies.
April is finally here, but no sign of Spring though. Is going to be freezing over the weekend.
Went to Downstream with Tim, Debbie, and Travis on the bus Wednesday. Had a good time, but got real tired. Need to toughen up some I guess.
Called about the bench and tree again on the Trail of Memories. They are getting a new Board that Meets April 12th. After that maybe I can get something going.
Am going to plant a tree in the front yard that will grow hopefully before I lose the only one left. Think I am getting one of those blooming pear trees. Need to check out trees and see what will work.
I am just kind of blah this month. Maybe when Spring really gets here and I want to get outside I will be better. I still have no plan for my life, just live til I die I guess.
Tomorrow they are coming to give me an estimate for a new furnace and a/c. I better set my clock because I do not know what time til they call.
These 2 little guys are about all that keep me going. I would do even less if they did not need care.
Another week and March 2018 will be gone forever. Has been a long and sad winter for me. Can only hope April will be the beginning of better times.
Robbin came down today and we went to the Carpenter's Cup and ate at the Flaming Lantern. Was good to visit with her. Have not seen her in awhile.
Friday I went out to the Trail of Memories and checked out where maybe I can put a tree and a stone bench in memory of Jim. The place that he wanted is still blank so hopefully people do not reserve spaces while alive. Am going to call Monday and see if I can get something started.
First Wed. in April going on bus to Downstream with Tim and Debbie. Later in April Marjie and Robbin are coming down and along with Tim and Jackie we are going out to eat for my 80th Birthday. (EEK).
Began some work with hand weights today. Need to work on strengthening my arms. Going to start walking this week to. Need to keep my body moving and get more strength. I have let myself go this winter and at my age am going to pay for it if I do not work on myself. Give me the strength and determination God.
Well am trying to be more positive and this may be as much so as I will ever be the rest of the year.
Yesterday and today I have got some things I wanted to do done and not napped though I did sleep late due to time change. The 3 previous days I mostly slept off and on all day. Do not have to think if you are sleeping. Feel pretty good tonight.
Hoping tomorrow to feel some life and energy and do just anything as long as I am moving. It is still cold and I hate that. I am still yearning for Spring and warm weather and hope that makes me happier most of the time.
Tim and Debbie want to go to Downstream in April. I look forward to that. For my birthday Robbin and Marjie are coming down, and we are going with Tim and Debbie and any of the grandkids that want to go out to dinner.
Jesse is progressing on redoing his house. Think they are painting this coming weekend. He has looked at flooring but not made any decisions yet.
I just want to feel good and be happy in the time I have left on this earth. And do something, if there is anything out there I can do...that is not too scheduled.
Prayers that all my kids and grandkids stay safe and healthy.
